Western humor has been around as long as there have been cowboys out West.
Ranch humor may put a cowboy on the back side of a joke, but he can take it.
Not So Fast
An Oklahoma rancher and a Texas rancher were discussing their spreads. The Oklahoma rancher said, "From my front porch my land goes as far as the eye can see and a little bit farther."
The Texan nodded. "That's mighty impressive." He said, then continued, "Well sir, I can get up at five o'clock in the mornin', hop in my pickup truck and drive all day and not reach the end of my land before dark."
The Oklahoma rancher nodded in return. "Yeah..., I had a truck like that once, but I finally got rid of the damn thing."
A Good Policy
An insurance salesman was getting nowhere in his efforts to sell a policy to a rancher. “Look at it this way,” he said finally. “How would your wife carry on if you should die?”
“Well,” answered the rancher after giving it some thought, “I don’t reckon that’s any concern of mine, so long as she behaves herself while I’m alive.”
A Popular Horse
A rancher’s horse kicked his mother-in-law to death. An extra large crowd, mostly men, turned out for the funeral.
The minister commented, “This lady must have been mighty popular for so many people to be willing to leave their work and come to her funeral.”
“They’re not here for the funeral,” replied the rancher. “They’ve come to buy the horse.”
A Shy Cowboy
Two cowboys went to a night club show. As the chorus girls pranced out to perform their number, one cowboy turned to the other and whispered, “See that fine lookin’ gal on the left end. I feel like taking her out again.”
“Why I didn’t know you had taken her out before,” answered the other.
“Well I ain’t,” came the reply. “But once before I felt like it.”
The Missing Horse
One fine day at an Oklahoma saloon, a cowboy ties his horse to the hitching rail and goes in to the bar. He orders a whisky and proceeds to drink it. Some time and several more drinks later, the cowboy leaves the saloon to find that his horse has been stolen. He calmly walks back into the saloon, draws his pistol and holds it pointed at the ceiling, and proclaims in a loud voice "Someone in this godforsaken place has stolen my horse. This happened to me once before, back in Texas." Lowering the pitch of his voice, but not losing any volume, he continued "And I DON'T wanna hafta do what I done back in Texas. I'm gonna have one more drink, and my horse better be back when I'm done."
True to his word, the cowboy holsters his pistol and orders one more drink, and when he finishes it he leaves the saloon to find his horse tied to the rail. He checks his saddle bags and satisfied that nothing is missing, he proceeds to mount up. As he's preparing to ride away, one brave witness from inside the bar steps up and says "I gotta know - what did you do back in Texas when this happened before?"
The cowboy shrugs and says "I hadda walk home."
THE HAUNTED SALOON
Submitted by Larry Watkins
An old cowboy was sitting at a bar having a drink and listening to the jukebox. Just as George Straight started playing, a ghost appeared to him. The cowboy was so startled he almost fell off his stool. The ghost told the cowboy, ya know I was killed in this bar! I use to be the piano player. The cowboy replied, were ya that bad? The ghost replied no I was that good! The problem is I’m now trapped in this darn jukebox and my spirit is forever tormented until I’m set free. Well, how do I set you free? You need to take that bar stool and bust it over the jukebox, and then I’ll be free. Being drunk enough, the cowboy busted the bar stool over the jukebox. The next day the cowboy woke up in jail. As he sat there with a headache a ghost appeared to him and said ya know I use to be locked up in here! The problem is ……
You Might Be a Horse Person...
By Arrielle Dickens
You might be a horse person if you catch yourself only have boots in your closet....and they are usally covered in mud and who knows what else.
You might be a horse person when you are covered in just as much mud as your horses.
You might be a horse person when you dont see buying jewlery but you can spemd hundreds of dollars on conchos for you saddle and head stall.
You might be a horse person when You walk past someone and instead of saying "excuse me" you poke them in the ribs and say "over".
You might be a horse person when You'd rather muck stalls than clean your bedroom/house.
You might be a horse person when Your horse smells better than you do.
You might be a horse person if you trust your horse with your life but you dont trust anyone with your horse.
You might be a horse person when You consider moving into the barn because it is cleaner and smells better then your house.
You might be a horse person when You pull a $17,000 horse trailer with a $1,700 pickup truck.
You might be a horse person when You consider a pristine golf course as a waste of good pasture land.
You might be a horse person when You realize that finding a horse shoe truly is lucky because you’ve saved ten bucks.
You might be a horse person when Your horse gets new shoes more often than you and they’re more expensive
Cowboy in Heaven
A young cowboy appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates..
'Have you ever done anything of particular merit?' St. Peter asked.
'Well, I can think of one thing,' the cowboy offered...
'On a trip to the Black Hills out in South Dakota, I came upon a gang of bikers, who were threatening a young woman.
I directed them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen..
So, I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in his face ...
I then kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground.
I yelled, 'Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the shit out of all of you!'
St. Peter was impressed. 'And when did all of this happen?' He asked.
The cowboy sheepishly looked down at his boots as he scuffed one across the cloud he stood on, then answered....
'Why just a couple of minutes ago...'
The New Doctor
The old rancher took his wife to town to see the new doctor. He waited for her by the hitch rail while he shot the breeze with some other old timers. After a few minutes, he heard his wife scream, then she slammed through the door and nearly knocked him down. Finally, he calmed her enough to learn what the problem was.
After listening to her story, he helped her into the buckboard to wait for him while he settled things with this new upstart. He hitched his gun belt in place and marched in to confront the doctor.
"What the hell's wrong with you?" the rancher demanded of the doctor. "My wife is 63 years old. We have five grown children and eleven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?"
The new doctor raised his eyebrows and asked, "Does she still have the hiccups?"
Two old cowboys, confirmed bachelors, got to talking about cooking.
“I got one o’ them cookery books once, but I never could do nothing with it.”
“Why is that?” asked the other. “Too much fancy work in it?”
“You said it.” Replied the first. “I could never get past the first sentence. Seems every one o’ them recipes began the same way: ‘Take a clean dish…’ and that fixed me.
A Texas rancher was working hard at bragging up his great state to a visitor from back east. He finished up his oration with a final comment. “Why, all Texas needs to become the garden spot of the world is good people and water.”
The easterner, not buying a word of it, replied with a grin. “Hear tell, that’s all Hell needs.”
The Rancher and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in western Montana. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a pasture on the other side of the fence.
As the lawyer climbed over the fence, a crusty old rancher rode up and asked him what he was doing.
The attorney responded, "I shot a duck. It fell into this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."
The old rancher retorted, "This is my property, and you are not coming over here."
The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States, and if you don't let me have that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own."
The old rancher smiled and said, "Apparently you don't know how we settle disputes in Montana. We settle small disagreements with the 'Three Kicks Rule'."
The lawyer asked, "What is the 'Three Kicks Rule'?"
The rancher replied, "Well, because the dispute is occuring on my land, I get to go first. I kick you three times, then you kick me three times, and so on back and forth until one of us gives up."
The attorney quickly thought about the proposed contest and figured he could easily take the old geezer. He agreed to abide by the local custom.
The old rancher slowly climbed down from his horse and walked up to the attorney.
His first kick planted the toe of his cowboy boot right into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his knees.
His second kick, to the belly, doubled the lawyer over, gagging for air.
The lawyer was on hands and knees when the rancher's third kick, to his rump, sent him face first into a fresh cow patty.
The lawyer summoned every bit of his willpower and managed to struggle to his feet.
Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket he said, "Okay, you old fool. Now it's my turn."
The old rancher grinned and answered, "Nah, I give up. You can have the duck!"
A LUCKY BREAK
Five local buckaroos were playing poker at the Silver Spur Saloon when one of the players, named Owen, loses five hundred dollars on a single hand. It was just too much for his weak old heart to take. As he clutched at his chest, he stood up and promptly dropped dead at the table.
Showing the greatest respect for their fallen comrade, the other buckaroos finished the hand standing on their feet.
Frank, the youngest of the bunch looks around the table and asks his fellow buckaroos, "Well now, which one of us is going to tell his wife?"
No one readily volunteered for the job so they decided to draw straws for the “privilege”.
Garrett, who usually ended up the loser at such contests, was true to form as he managed to draw the shortest of the straws.
His friends were more than willing to offer him their sound advice to be discreet and gentle, and to not make a bad situation any worse than it already was.
“Discreet? Why I'm the most discreet man you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name,” bragged Garrett. “You just leave it to me.”
Garrett made his way to the house of Owen Smith and knocked on the door.
Owens’s wife answered and asked the young buckaroo standing at the door what he wanted.
Garrett shyly looked at the ground and scuffed at the dirt some with the toe of his boot before finally mustering up the courage to inform Owens’s wife of the situation,
“Maam, your husband just lost five hundred dollars playing cards.”
Owens’s wife was furious, “YOU GO BACK AND TELL THAT NO GOOD SHEEP TENDER TO DROP DEAD!”
Garrett, seeing his opportunity for a way out, replied, “Yes Maam, I'll tell him.”
THE BIG BANG
A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren,
25 great-great grandchildren...
and a 15 foot hole in the ground where the crematorium used to be.
KNOW THY ENEMY
A local farming community was about to hold their Sunday morning church services. As the townsfolk were sitting in their pews talking amongst themselves, Satan suddenly appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
farmer who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The farmer calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."
Before statehood in 1907, the Indian Territory was no place for a tenderfoot. There's a story that illustrates this, about a man who fled the Indian Territory in 1903 and didn't stop until he got to St. Louis. The man made quite a stir there, because he was driving a buckboard which was hitched to four mountain lions. The grizzly pioneer carried a Sharps buffalo rifle, wore two Navy colts strapped around his middle, and had a razor-sharp Bowie knife stuck under his belt. And sitting with him on the buckboard was his partner, a man who was even bigger, uglier and meaner than he was.
As they got down from the buckboard and started toward the saloon, someone asked where they were from. "Indian Territory," growled the larger man. "Things are gettin' so bad down there that all of us sissies are having to get out."
Colonel William A. Phillips was the Federal commander at Fort Gibson on the eve of the Battle of Honey Springs. That was way back on July 17, 1863. The battle turned out to be the most important action of the Civil War in the Indian Territory.
It is said that one of Col. Phillips' captains had gotten the short end of a horse trade and later caught up with the rugged backwoodsman who had rooked him. The captained complained, "That horse you traded to me back in the spring was about half-blind."
The tough trader spat tobacco on the ground and said, "I done told ya the truth about that horse. If you'll recollect, I told you plainly that he was a fine horse but that he didn't look good."
HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?
Ol Jeb was slowly working his way back to the ranch after drinking all night at the local saloon. As he wandered along the river he notices a group of people gathered around and there seems to be some sort of a commotion.
Ol Jeb heads his horse in their direction to get a better look and as he reaches the waters edge he falls off his horse...Turns out the group was in the middle of a baptism.
The preacher grabs Ol Jeb by the shoulders and asks him "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
Ol Jeb, too drunk to realize what he was getting into answers "Sure."
Upon that the preacher dunks him under the water and then pulls him up and asks, "Have you found Jesus?"
Ol Jeb says "no" so the preacher dunks him again and asks him "have you found Jesus?"
Again Jeb says "no" so this time the preacher dunks him and holds him under for almost a full minute and then brings him to the surface and again asks him "Have you found Jesus?"
By this time ol Jeb is half drowned. He coughs and hacks and spits up some water and says,
"Not yet! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
A lone cowboy had been riding the trail in New Mexico for several days as he worked his way back to his ranch when he comes upon an old Navaho man heading the same direction. Because the ride had been long and quiet he asks if he might ride along with him for a spell. The old Navaho agrees and they travel along together until nightfall. That evening they made camp and as they sat near the fire they began some small talk. The cowboy notices the old Navaho glancing over towards a bottle sticking out of one of the saddlebags lying beside him.
“If your wondering what’s in the saddle bag” offers the cowboy, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my woman”
The old Indian sits silently for a time pondering what the cowboy had just said.
He soon turns towards the cowboy and nods his head in approval.
“Good trade” he says.
A traveling medicine show came to town one day and with it was a gypsy fortuneteller.
The town folk for the most part kept their distance as to not be seen associating with those of such unsavory character.
Well, that evening, the wife of a local rancher, after waiting for her no good husband to fall asleep sneaked off under the cover of darkness, to visit the fortuneteller.
She entered the dimly lit tent and sat across from the mystic. After gazing into a crystal ball for some time she delivered the grim news. “Prepare yourself to be a widow”, she said. “Your husband is soon to meet with a violent death.”
Visibly shaken, the rancher’s wife drew a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She met the fortunetellers’ gaze and with a steadied voice she asked,
“But will I be acquitted”?
A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, "I'll have a
BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK."
The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow?"
He said, "She'll have a salad."
The old farmer was on his deathbed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled the scent of fried chicken wafting into his room. Aaahhhh…He loved fried chicken more than anything else in the world.
With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed…Down the stairs and into the kitchen he went. There was his beloved wife, Clair, standing at the stove frying up a second pan of chicken. As he reached towards the platter next to the stove for what might possibly be his last drum stick, he got smacked across the back of the hand with the wooden spoon his wife was holding. “Leave them alone” she scolded. “They’re for the funeral!”
THE RANDALL TWINS
Just off the afternoon stage one of the passengers went into the local saloon to clear the dust out of his throat. He was sitting at the bar when a cowboy stumbles in and staggers up to another cowboy sitting at the bar a couple of stools down and starts up a conversation.
They both looked as if they had been drinkin’ some and the passenger couldn’t help overhearing what was said.
“Can I buy you a drink?” asks the first cowboy.
“Why of course” comes the reply.
“Where are you from?” asks the first cowboy.
“I’m from Texas,” replies the second.
The first cowboy responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Texas too! Lets have another round to celebrate Texas.”
“Of course,” replies the second one.
The first cowboy then asks: “Where in Texas are you from?”
“San Antonio,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first cowboy. “I’m from San Antonio too! Lets have another drink to celebrate San Antonio.”
“Of course,” replies the second one.
“What brand do you ride for?” asks the first cowboy.
“The Double T,” replies the second one. “Been with em for 10 years.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first cowboy says. “I ride for the Double T and I’ve been with em for 10 years too!”
About this time the passenger says to the bartender, “Why it’s just amazing that those two cowboys have so much in common but how is it they can ride for the same outfit for 10 years and not know each other.” “Oh don’t mind them,” replies the bartender, “They’re just drunk, those are the Randall twins, they own the Double T.”