Humor Me
Western humor has been around as long as there have been cowboys out West.
Ranch humor may put a cowboy on the back side of a joke, but he can take it.
A LUCKY BREAK
Five local buckaroos were playing poker at the Silver Spur Saloon when one of the players, named Owen, loses five hundred dollars on a single hand. It was just too much for his weak old heart to take. As he clutched at his chest, he stood up and promptly dropped dead at the table.
Showing the greatest respect for their fallen comrade, the other buckaroos finished the hand standing on their feet.
Frank, the youngest of the bunch looks around the table and asks his fellow buckaroos, "Well now, which one of us is going to tell his wife?"
No one readily volunteered for the job so they decided to draw straws for the “privilege”.
Garrett, who usually ended up the loser at such contests, was true to form as he managed to draw the shortest of the straws.
His friends were more than willing to offer him their sound advice to be discreet and gentle, and to not make a bad situation any worse than it already was.
“Discreet? Why I'm the most discreet man you’ll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name,” bragged Garrett. “You just leave it to me.”
Garrett made his way to the house of Owen Smith and knocked on the door.
Owens’s wife answered and asked the young buckaroo standing at the door what he wanted.
Garrett shyly looked at the ground and scuffed at the dirt some with the toe of his boot before finally mustering up the courage to inform Owens’s wife of the situation,
“Maam, your husband just lost five hundred dollars playing cards.”
Owens’s wife was furious, “YOU GO BACK AND TELL THAT NO GOOD SHEEP TENDER TO DROP DEAD!”
Garrett, seeing his opportunity for a way out, replied, “Yes Maam, I'll tell him.”
THE BIG BANG
A tough old cowboy counseled his grandson that if he wanted to live a long life, the secret was to sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on his oatmeal every morning.
The grandson did this religiously to the age of 103.
When he died, he left 14 children, 30 grandchildren, 45 great grandchildren,
25 great-great grandchildren...
and a 15 foot hole in the ground where the crematorium used to be.
KNOW THY ENEMY
A local farming community was about to hold their Sunday morning church services. As the townsfolk were sitting in their pews talking amongst themselves, Satan suddenly appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the front entrance,
trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from the evil incarnate.
Soon, everyone had exited the church except for one elderly
farmer who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the old man and said, "Don't you know who I am?
The man replied, "Yep, sure do."
"Aren't you afraid of me?" Satan asked.
"Nope, sure ain't," said the man.
"Don't you realize I can kill you with a word?" asked Satan.
"Don't doubt it for a minute," returned the old man, in an even tone.
"Did you know that I could cause you profound, horrifying, physical agony forever?"
"Yep," was the calm reply.
"And you're still not afraid?" asked Satan.
"Nope."
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, "Well, why aren't you afraid of me?"
The farmer calmly replied, "Been married to your sister for 45 years."
HARD COUNTRY
Before statehood in 1907, the Indian Territory was no place for a tenderfoot. There's a story that illustrates this, about a man who fled the Indian Territory in 1903 and didn't stop until he got to St. Louis. The man made quite a stir there, because he was driving a buckboard which was hitched to four mountain lions. The grizzly pioneer carried a Sharps buffalo rifle, wore two Navy colts strapped around his middle, and had a razor-sharp Bowie knife stuck under his belt. And sitting with him on the buckboard was his partner, a man who was even bigger, uglier and meaner than he was.
As they got down from the buckboard and started toward the saloon, someone asked where they were from. "Indian Territory," growled the larger man. "Things are gettin' so bad down there that all of us sissies are having to get out."
HONEST TRADE
Colonel William A. Phillips was the Federal commander at Fort Gibson on the eve of the Battle of Honey Springs. That was way back on July 17, 1863. The battle turned out to be the most important action of the Civil War in the Indian Territory.
It is said that one of Col. Phillips' captains had gotten the short end of a horse trade and later caught up with the rugged backwoodsman who had rooked him. The captained complained, "That horse you traded to me back in the spring was about half-blind."
The tough trader spat tobacco on the ground and said, "I done told ya the truth about that horse. If you'll recollect, I told you plainly that he was a fine horse but that he didn't look good."
HAVE YOU FOUND JESUS?
Ol Jeb was slowly working his way back to the ranch after drinking all night at the local saloon. As he wandered along the river he notices a group of people gathered around and there seems to be some sort of a commotion.
Ol Jeb heads his horse in their direction to get a better look and as he reaches the waters edge he falls off his horse...Turns out the group was in the middle of a baptism.
The preacher grabs Ol Jeb by the shoulders and asks him "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
Ol Jeb, too drunk to realize what he was getting into answers "Sure."
Upon that the preacher dunks him under the water and then pulls him up and asks, "Have you found Jesus?"
Ol Jeb says "no" so the preacher dunks him again and asks him "have you found Jesus?"
Again Jeb says "no" so this time the preacher dunks him and holds him under for almost a full minute and then brings him to the surface and again asks him "Have you found Jesus?"
By this time ol Jeb is half drowned. He coughs and hacks and spits up some water and says,
"Not yet! Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
TRAIL WISDOM
A lone cowboy had been riding the trail in New Mexico for several days as he worked his way back to his ranch when he comes upon an old Navaho man heading the same direction. Because the ride had been long and quiet he asks if he might ride along with him for a spell. The old Navaho agrees and they travel along together until nightfall. That evening they made camp and as they sat near the fire they began some small talk. The cowboy notices the old Navaho glancing over towards a bottle sticking out of one of the saddlebags lying beside him.
“If your wondering what’s in the saddle bag” offers the cowboy, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my woman”
The old Indian sits silently for a time pondering what the cowboy had just said.
He soon turns towards the cowboy and nods his head in approval.
“Good trade” he says.
THE FORTUNETELLER
A traveling medicine show came to town one day and with it was a gypsy fortuneteller.
The town folk for the most part kept their distance as to not be seen associating with those of such unsavory character.
Well, that evening, the wife of a local rancher, after waiting for her no good husband to fall asleep sneaked off under the cover of darkness, to visit the fortuneteller.
She entered the dimly lit tent and sat across from the mystic. After gazing into a crystal ball for some time she delivered the grim news. “Prepare yourself to be a widow”, she said. “Your husband is soon to meet with a violent death.”
Visibly shaken, the rancher’s wife drew a few deep breaths to compose herself.
She met the fortunetellers’ gaze and with a steadied voice she asked,
“But will I be acquitted”?
TEXAS RANCHER
A Texas rancher and his wife were arguing while touring Paris. They were hardly speaking to each other after being seated in a fancy French restaurant for dinner.
When the waiter arrived, the rancher said, "I'll have a
BIG THICK PORTERHOUSE STEAK."
The waiter replied, "Monsieur, what about Ze Mad Cow?"
He said, "She'll have a salad."
FRIED CHICKEN
The old farmer was on his deathbed. He had only hours to live when suddenly he smelled the scent of fried chicken wafting into his room. Aaahhhh…He loved fried chicken more than anything else in the world.
With his last bit of energy, he pulled himself out of bed…Down the stairs and into the kitchen he went. There was his beloved wife, Clair, standing at the stove frying up a second pan of chicken. As he reached towards the platter next to the stove for what might possibly be his last drum stick, he got smacked across the back of the hand with the wooden spoon his wife was holding. “Leave them alone” she scolded. “They’re for the funeral!”
THE RANDALL TWINS
Just off the afternoon stage one of the passengers went into the local saloon to clear the dust out of his throat. He was sitting at the bar when a cowboy stumbles in and staggers up to another cowboy sitting at the bar a couple of stools down and starts up a conversation.
They both looked as if they had been drinkin’ some and the passenger couldn’t help overhearing what was said.
“Can I buy you a drink?” asks the first cowboy.
“Why of course” comes the reply.
“Where are you from?” asks the first cowboy.
“I’m from Texas,” replies the second.
The first cowboy responds: “You don’t say, I’m from Texas too! Lets have another round to celebrate Texas.”
“Of course,” replies the second one.
The first cowboy then asks: “Where in Texas are you from?”
“San Antonio,” comes the reply.
“I can’t believe it,” says the first cowboy. “I’m from San Antonio too! Lets have another drink to celebrate San Antonio.”
“Of course,” replies the second one.
“What brand do you ride for?” asks the first cowboy.
“The Double T,” replies the second one. “Been with em for 10 years.”
“This is unbelievable!” the first cowboy says. “I ride for the Double T and I’ve been with em for 10 years too!”
About this time the passenger says to the bartender, “Why it’s just amazing that those two cowboys have so much in common but how is it they can ride for the same outfit for 10 years and not know each other.” “Oh don’t mind them,” replies the bartender, “They’re just drunk, those are the Randall twins, they own the Double T.”
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